I was wondering if anything is written on the topic of perfectionism, on how to “alleviate” it?

And while sometimes perfectionism is helpful and productive, many time it’s hindering and hard to live with.

Our entire family is a perfectionist, to some extent.  We’ve noticed it with our daughter (who is 6 now) as early as the 2, and it doesn’t seem to go away, it just translates to different areas of lives. For example, she loves to write, but she often has tantrums when she is writing a card or something and her letters are not as  perfect as she thinks they should be (or, rather, the tantrums really starts when I say something like:  oh, it looks ok, no one will notice this little extra line or something)

Both me and my husband have it as well.  It is not debilitating, it doesn’t interfere with normal day-to-day living, however, it does make certain things more complicated.

In adition, I work with special kids, and I see it there a lot as well.

Any thoughts?

Thanks, Anna

I finished reading your book “Work Makes Me Nervous” and just ordered the Social Anxiety: The Untold Story DVD.  Because there is so much information in the book and the suggested time to complete it the first time is 21 days, I have had some trouble knowing which exercises are the most important to focus on.  I have been working with a schema therapist to help me identify and resolve my underlying emotions, however, I feel that I still have a nurturing deficit and obsess over the fact that I have Social Anxiety.  I believe that your system can be beneficial to me if I can just use it properly.  Will the DVD show me step by step how to use your program?

By Amy Lemley

No one would ever call me shy. In fact, I am “the
extrovert’s extrovert,” an attention-seeker, a ham. I love public speaking,
being interviewed on television and radio, and having my picture taken. I talk
to strangers. A lot.

Yet through it all, I have suffered from extreme social
anxiety. And I’m not alone. An estimated 37 million people suffer from it in
the United States alone. You know some of us, though we are so adept at
covering up our fears that you might never suspect.

We are crippled at times by symptoms such as obsessive
worry, a racing pulse, clammy hands, and blushing and sweating to such an
extent that we’d rather be alone than suffer—no matter what the cost. We may
sacrifice relationships. We may sabotage our own careers. We may self-medicate with
alcohol and drugs.

However we respond, we do so under a veil of denial wrapped so tightly around us that we cannot move. We don’t know what is wrong. We don’t know there’s a name for it. Our secret is so shameful, our self-hatred so deep, and our belief in our power to change is so diminished that we feel hopeless and unworthy.

“It’s just the way I am…”

Many social anxiety sufferers are labeled “introverts” or
consider themselves to be “just shy.” In their view, this is just how they are,
an indelible part of their personality. But according to the Andrew Kukes
Foundation for Social Anxiety, which reports that one in eight people suffers
from social anxiety, a limited awareness of exactly what social anxiety is and
how to detect and treat it sentences some people to a life of “less than”—less
than happy, less than comfortable, less than successful.

Social Anxiety Defined

Simply put, social anxiety disorder is the fear of
experiencing embarrassment, shame, rejection, or humiliation in the presence of
others. It causes both emotional discomfort through obsessive worry and
physical suffering that emanates from the core. Always, these symptoms are
associated with human interaction.

The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and
Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders, commonly referred to as the bible of
mental health practitioners, specifies that symptoms of social anxiety must
have been present for at least six months before that diagnosis can be made.

Trust me: Six months is nothing. According to the Anxiety
Disorders Association of America, 36 percent of people diagnosed with social
anxiety disorder “have reported symptoms for over 10 years before seeking
help.”During those 10 years or, I suspect, longer, I have no doubt these people
were told—and told themselves—this was just the way they were.

Healthy introversion does not preclude socializing. Although
they generally prefer in-depth conversation to small talk, introverts are
capable of attending parties and networking events, of coffee machine banter at
work and across-the-fence neighborhood chat.

Self-proclaimed introvert Jonathan Rauch wrote in the
Atlantic in 2003: “After an hour or two of being socially ‘on,’ we introverts
need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for
every hour of socializing. This isn’t antisocial. It isn’t a sign of
depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with
our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating.”

For someone with social anxiety, the tradeoff cannot be
measured in hours spent socializing versus hours spent recovering. Instead,
even a five-minute interchange—say, introducing two colleagues, placing a phone
call, asking a question in a public forum, or asking a neighbor for a favor—can
take (waste) hours of obsessive worrying. Before the event, a person may spend
hours feeling a sense of doom, obsessively worrying and suffering physical
symptoms.

Then, rather than merely recharging in solitude, the social
anxiety sufferer returns from the interaction exhausted, with hours yet to
spend rehashing the interaction and building a solid case for his or her own
failed performance. Said something stupid? Yep. Sweated? Yep. Mind went blank?
Yep. Everyone could tell I was nervous? Yep.

As an extrovert whose life is no longer dominated by social
anxiety, I know that spending time with others—even when I am the center of
attention—is what recharges me. When I shared this with a friend, who is an
opera singer and voice coach, he told me about the advice he gives students on
how to deal with stage fright. “Just before you go on stage,” he says, “Tell
yourself, ‘I want this.’ Because you do.”

What’s the Difference?

Social anxiety sufferers know that their debilitating
syndrome prevents them from doing the things they would like to do. Introverts
are comfortable with their choice to avoid being the center of attention; they
are capable of forging meaningful relationships and achieving career success.
As for socially anxious extroverts like me, here’s how it goes: I make a
meaningful and energizing connection with others. I agree to follow up
(socially or in business). My fear of not following up perfectly leads to
excessive worry. I avoid following up at all. The avoidance costs me the social
or professional relationship. All of this causes a downward spiral.

Most mental health professionals consider avoidant
personality disorder—the condition in which a person so fears the scrutiny of
others that he or she simply avoids situations where others might sit in
judgment—to be impossible to resolve. This news can feel like a death sentence
for someone seeking help for social anxiety.

But the right treatment can replace avoidant behavior with
proactive behavior in which a person feels the adrenaline flow, embraces it,
and then uses it as energy to fuel success.

Can Medication Help—and Is It Enough?

Critics of pharmaceutical treatment of social anxiety charge
that SSRIs are capable of creating “false extroverts.” But as I’ve explained,
not all social anxiety sufferers are introverts.

Social anxiety is often dismissed as introversion. From
early childhood, I seemed “sullen,” as my mother described me; I hung back, was
quiet, tentative, fearful of the attention of others.

For many years, my avoidant tendencies and fear of speaking
up had me convinced that I was an introvert. I stayed in the background, always
hoping no one would turn the attention to me. I was depressed, lonely, and
confused. Medication and therapy turned this around. I am now friendly,
outgoing, generous, and inclusive. I no longer require medication to manage my
social anxiety.

I was not “just shy.” I was not an introvert. And treatment
did not change me into any sort of “false introvert” who should have been left
to her solitary tendencies.

Denial of my problem could have kept me in that rut—in that
life of less than—indefinitely.

Although many people have criticized the pharmaceutical
industry for seeming to suggest that introversion is a disorder, I do not
consider their campaigns a disservice. On the contrary. For the millions of
people who have lived in denial or rationalized themselves into avoidant
behavior by concluding that this is “just the way they are,” those campaigns
make a difference that goes beyond just marketing a product.

So often, we hear people talking about how relieved they are
once they finally get a definitive diagnosis for their headaches, rashes,
coughs, breathing difficulties, and pain. “At least I finally know I’m not
crazy,” one friend said to me after learning she had Lyme disease.

The medication itself may not be the solution. But seeing
our symptoms depicted and hearing the message that we don’t have to live this
way any longer means the world. Mental health professionals are still learning
about best practices for treating this disorder. Some may overmedicate. One man
I know told me his doctor diagnosed him with a “chemical imbalance” and said he
would require Xanax, an addictive tranquilizer, for the rest of his life. This
introduced drug dependence into the mix without presenting an opportunity to
work on the underlying issues.

Modern medicine has other ways of eliminating the symptom
rather than getting at the underlying emotional cause. Two of the most
upsetting physical symptoms are facial blushing and sweating, technically known
as hyperhidrosis. These symptoms themselves do not equal social anxiety; but
the fear of exhibiting these symptoms and being noticeably nervous can have
devastating consequences. Some sufferers will do just about anything to appear
“normal.”

That willingness to try anything has given rise to a new
medical industry: endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy. This delicate surgery is
intended to quell facial blushing and sweating by destroying part of the
sympathetic nerve trunk. But some scientific studies indicate that it offers no
long-term benefit: “There is no reliable evidence for the effectiveness of
endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy for excessive sweating in the face and hands
or for flushing of the face,” according to a study by the Finnish Office for
Health Care Technology Assessment. “Neither is there any evidence that this
treatment has an impact on social phobia.” In fact, the study reports ETS can
have significant short and long-term effects.

A Tragic Reality

Introverts are content in the level of solitude they choose.
Shy people may wish for more courage, but they can maintain a comfort zone
without being incapacitated. But social anxiety sufferers are at risk of
serious health issues. And sadly, even death.

In 2009, Columbia University graduate Andy Kukes, 30, became
overwhelmed by his inability to conquer social anxiety and took his own life.

Growing up in Florida, Andy epitomized the scholar-athlete.
Only after entering Princeton University did this high school valedictorian
begin to suffer from depression and anxiety. “Social pressures were becoming
too much for him,” says his mother, Patricia Kukes.

“He did receive psychiatric help from numerous therapists
and he was on many different types of medicine,” says his father, Jeffrey Kukes.
“But after struggling for several months, he dropped out of school.” Six months
later, he transferred to Columbia, where he had one friend from high school; he
graduated summa cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa in 2001.

Back home in Florida after graduation, Andy became
increasingly reclusive, socializing only with his immediate family and refusing
to visit with outsiders or develop friendships. He took his own life July 14,
2009.

In his memory, Jeffrey and Patricia and Andy’s brother,
Scott, have established the Andrew Kukes Foundation for Social Anxiety. “Our
mission,”Jeffrey Kukes says, “is to educate mental health professionals about
the diagnosis and treatment of social anxiety, provide help and a forum to
assist social anxiety sufferers and their families, and to educate the general
public about social anxiety.”

Achieving this laudable goal will move beyond pharmaceutical
advertisements initial success in drawing attention to this problem to
improving treatment protocols. Indeed, the AKF’s first major project was to
produce an accredited 10-session continuing education and documentary video
series.
Social Anxiety: The Untold Story

This program “Social Anxiety: The Untold Story: Diagnosis
and Treatment” is now available for continuing education credits for the mental
health professions. SATUS includes essential information and the most
evidence-based clinical success for social anxiety on film. Numerous rare,
perhaps one-of-a-kind interviews with real patients, are an integral component
of the learning process. SATUS was written and facilitated by psychotherapist
Jonathan Berent, L.C.S.W. who has worked with social anxiety sufferers of all
ages since 1978.

SATUS is now available for continuing education credits
sponsored by CMI Education – PESI.

To view the program trailer and program outline please go
to:
www.pesi.com/socialanxiety

The message? True introverts can rest easy. And those people
who have rationalized their social anxiety by calling themselves introverts can
find ways to overcome their fear and avoidance and move on to a more fulfilling
life.

Amy Lemley is coauthor with Jonathan Berent, LCSW, of Work
Makes Me Nervous: Overcome Workplace Anxiety and Build the Confidence to
Succeed (Wiley, 2010) and Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties
(Simon & Schuster, 1993).

I came to the 504 meeting last week, brought my books that I’ve been studying for the past months, “Helping your child with Selective Mutism” and “Resource Manual”. I explained to them that the ideas in those books may seem complicated, however, I can make things easier for them. Well, the first thing I heard is that school is not a place for therapy, we don’t have any therapists in school. I thought at that moment, “Well, unlike you, guys, I’ve been studying the works of Dr. Berent, who tells parents that they CAN do therapy with their children.” It has helped me a lot to realize and start practicing it. Thanks!!

Our classroom teacher is great, though, she agreed to meet with my daughter before classes once a week, and sometimes stay for indoor recess with her and another classmate in order to make her less anxious in the classroom. “You see”, I would love to tell her, “what you are doing in those times together with my daughter can very well be called THERAPY.” I was going to tell her that, before I realized that this word, for some reason, brings fearful reaction to school’s personnel, makes them anxious and uncomfortable.

Here is an excerpt from the principle of my son’s school, where she answers the question of what services might be available for SM kids in that school:

The role of the counselor in our district is to provide educational programming in
large / small group settings, as well as to provide guidance as needed to
individual students. The counselor does not serve in a THERAPEUTIC ROLE
either. Therapeutic services are beyond the scope of the school/district.

Dr. Berent, what’s your opinion on this issue?

Does anyone know if CBT therapy is any answer to social anxiety,   I’m thinking of going down this road but do not want to waste my time if it is going to be ineffective!